This past week has been, well let's just say heartbreaking. I actually wrote last week's 55 about it but forgot to post it so stay tuned. It certainly seems my 55 "fiction" really isn't so much fiction as what has been occuring as of late...but believe me I wish it wasn't.
In the last week I have found out that my 12 year old has been cutting himself. Are any of you familiar with "cutters"? When I found out, I felt my chest colapse and when he showed me his scars I almost fainted...seriously. My heart broke into a million peices and all I wanted to do was hold him on my lap and rock him back and forth. He is my baby...my ray of sunshine. He is the one that saved my life when I was disappeared during the height (or low) of my drinking. How could I have not known?! How could I have not helped him?! All the guilty thoughts raced through my head. I told him that I am not going to pretend to understand why he cuts himself but I can only guess that it is for the same reasons as I drank and that was to cover the pain of something else. Whether I planted that idea in his head or not, he agreed that that was the reason. You see, he is a very fashionable boy. You know the type...styled hair, skinny jeans...a trend setter really, and he is being bullied at school because of it. They call him gay, faggot, the usual homophobic bullshit. What bugs me the most is that I have always taught my kids tolerance...hell they even know that I have dated women...and that they should be true to themselves, and express themselves and be who and what they want to be. So was I wrong? Should I have stifled my son's desire to be unique and express himself? Should I have encouraged him to conform and be just like everyone else?
Anyway, I took him to the doctor and of course, she wanted to put him on anti-depressants. WTF! He is 12!! I calmly expressed my concern and suggested a more natural approach, but reluctantly let him make the decision. Soooo....he has been on an extremely low dose of frickn' Prozac for a week now. I don't think he is liking the side effects and of course he hasn't experienced the benefits yet as it takes a few weeks. I can only hope that after he meets with the psychiatrist and has been on them a while that he will try my idea. You know, it isn't depression that is the problem, the problem is the closed minded freakn' little monsters at his school. And where did they learn that behaviour I wonder...hmmm...from their closed minded freakn' ignorant parents!! Ok...deep breath.
Then...oh yes..there is more...the other night, I found pot in his room. I couldn't freakn' believe it!! He said he had only been smoking it a little while (about a month) which is when he started cutting himself more often. Yes more often, this has apparently been going on since he started middle school in September. I am lost. I really don't know what to do. I have talked to my mom, my boyfriend, my sponsor and still I don't know what to do or how to make him ok. My heart breaks every time I think about it. However, I am grateful that I have found out when I did...before it was too late...you know what I mean? Also, it almost seems that he is relieved that I know. He has been talking to me a little more each day about what is going on and how he is feeling. So that is a very very good thing because he has really been isolating and cutting himself off from the world (no pun whatsoever intended). I miss my little boy so much I want to cry sometimes. He will be 13 this month and is 4" taller than I am. He is a young man who has made some poor decisions lately, but I don't love him any less. I still want him to be who and what he wants to be. I want him to express himself through his fashion, music, art...whatever he feels is right. I told him last night...just be true to yourself.
I am not sure if any of this made sense and I didn't really intend on writing about it, but here it is...my broken heart, and his, for all to see.
Hi Tammy, please check out this website, http://kidshealth.org/teen/ click on the topic Your Mind in the left column, then click on the subject Dealing with Problems, it addresses cutting, depression and other stuff. When I worked with parents who had kids with mental illness or behavioral issues, I found this website to be one of the most informative and easiest to understand. It is a great overall website, if you get the change open up the subjects.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong in encouraging your son to dance to the beat of his own drummer, in my opinion. I did this with my daughter and I am proud to say she was and is a much more open minded person than a lot of her peers. I accepted her punk rock period, her experimenting with sexuality period, she had a period of heavy drinking too and a slight cutting period. For the drinking and depression, she and I were in counseling, she also attended meetings with me. You might want to see if there is an Alateen meeting he might want to attend, don't know your story but is there a chance your drinking and recovery are having some after effects on him? Keep encouraging him to use positive outlets like music and arts to express anxiety/fear.
I'm a liberal but I wish I could ban all the intolerance BS in the media. Too many people are buying into the garbage, it is partially to blame for the increase in bullying and violence in general. The best we can do is teach are kids and their friends that intolerance and violence are not the answers.
Sending prayers and positive energy your way.
Namaste
Scott
My goodness. Sadly, my daughter was also bullied terribly in middle school. In her case people teased her because she had seizures. She dropped down to 87 pounds and was definitely depressed. I have to tell you, the prozac was a godsend. I'm just sorry we didn't put her on it sooner. I think we may soon try taking her off it because she changed schools and that made a big difference. So the Prozac doesn't have to be forever, but it can help a lot. Also,if he doesn't like the side effects, try something else. There are lots of good alternatives. I know quite a few kids who've had good luck with Zoloft. Peace and blessings.
ReplyDeleteHey you call me later....its Darlene Alexis mom.
ReplyDeleteBeen there and done that with her..just call
I hate it when we raise our children to be free thinkers, bold and brave, and then society's little bigots make them hurt. I am so glad that you discovered this problem before anything worse happened, and its GREAT that he is talking to you about it now. That will help so much (as I'm sure it already has, since this is an old blog).
ReplyDelete